Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Do you ever Feel like.......

Warning: You do not have to read if you don not want to. This is a post merely for myself and documention.

Do you ever feel like your less than ordinary. Feel like you can only handle one job at a time. Feel like people think your crazy. Feel so selfish. Feel like everything you do is wrong. Feel like your never going to make it. Feel like a bad mother. Feel like a bad wife, daughter, aunt, sister, friend and granddaughter. Feel like the world has stopped and everything is going to crash on down on you. Feel like your not good enough. Feel like you have no idea how you will get through the day. Feel like you don't know how to do your job. Feel like a master at one thing and a complete failure at another? Well these are my thoughts and feelings this day an age. I am feeling quite inadequate at this moment and like a failure at the things placed in front of me. I am scared to continue being a mother (there is no going back of course) I don't know how to be the best mom for Brooklyn, nor the best wife and the best employee at work. I feel like I have way to much on my plate yet not enough. I feel like I could just explode or drop dead, this may be the result of running on 4 hours of sleep on a 13 hour day at work..who knows. But this is how I feel at this moment in time. There are a lot of things in my life that I need to do better at, like most of us, one thing, that I also think is HUGE and I regret putting it off so much is praying daily, alone in a quiet spot all alone and asking for Heavenly Father's help. It is a growing process every day. I know this may sound completely ridiculous and a cry for help, it's not I promise I am simply just pouring out my heart and what is on my mind to relieve some stress and feelings, this is my out.

My most recent goal comes from the Ensign. The talk 'Open the Heavens' some how this talk really got through to me. It talked about how we should take a few moments EVERYDAY and find a quiet spot to open the heavens essentially, To open up your heart to your father in heaven and tell him how grateful you are for what you have and tell him your hope and dreams and then only then can he help you if you just ask. I know this isn't a confession session or whatever but I have not always nor am I good at saying my prayers and reading my scriptures everyday, like a lot of us I presume. Not only am I horrible at remembering to follow these small and simple gospel principals I have not been to the temple since last fall. I am not happy about it and believe is it a result of my unhappiness or lack of confidence and only 'I' can change that and just GO, right. Ya well when you work all the time and have a day consumed by the daily tasks of what to eat, what to clean first, what to do with the baby to help her learn new things, when to leave the house, who could watch Brooklyn, when will Clarke get home, what should I fix for dinner, should we eat out, should I go work out. YA these are all excuses I can no longer use. I NEED to go the temple. I have deprived my family of the wonderful blessings that will come as long as I continue to follow the lord. My point in writing this goes back to my goal, I have made myself a promise that I will find a spot EVERYDAY to pray in silence and by myself and express my gratitude for the things in my life and to help me be a better Mother and much much more. Also to read my scriptures. My friend gave me the idea of taking your Book of Mormon with you where ever you go, when you have a few extra seconds while your waiting for something pull it out and read it. So starting today I took my Book of Mormon to work and read it when I had a few extra mins. I was very touched and a single small feeling came over me that I recognized and it relaxed me and helped me get through the day. I was not ashamed to pull it out in front of my co-workers and I know that may sound weird but I know that all of us have felt a little bit awkward at times when reading the book in front of people to not offend others. I will not feel that way anymore, because who knows it may be just the prefect missionary experience.

Sorry this post is so strange and went in a couple different random directions. I was spilling it all out. Hope you don't mind....If you even read it!


Nikki and Kade said...

You know..we have a lot more in common than I realize. I am terrible at remembering to do those same things and sometimes, even when I do remember, I think I'm too tired or the baby is crying or something and it doesn't happen. And we haven't been to the temple in a VERY long time, so you're not alone. It's hard! We should help each other remember to do these things so that our babies grow up in homes where it's a habit and maybe it won't be so difficult for them to remember! I always use the excuse that I grew up in a non-LDS home so it was never a habit for me...time to stop using that one...Good luck :)